Gray hair is a crown of glory. Proverbs 16:31
Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3
In 1981, social worker Dorothy Miller coined the term, the “Sandwich Generation” to describe women in their 30s and 40s who were still raising children while caring for aging parents. Since then the term has expanded to include both genders, and the age of the “sandwiched” generation has extended to women (and men) well into their 50s and sometimes beyond.
My Grandma Green – my only living grandparent – lived with us most of my childhood until her death in 1970. In my memory, that was the best thing ever for several reasons: I loved her, she was my ally, we had lots of visits from Aunts, Uncles and cousins, and she made the best pies, cakes, cookies, and cinnamon rolls on the planet. Later, the only comment my Mom had for those years was something like, “DO NOT take me into your home when I get old. Put me in a nursing home!” Evidently Mom’s perspective on having Grandma living with us was different than mine.
My Mom didn’t live long enough for us to have to “care” for her much. Mom was just a few weeks shy of her 79th birthday when she died, and she and Dad pretty much took care of each other without a lot of help from us.
My Dad on the other hand lived to see 93 and was dead-set on living in his own home. He was adamant about NOT going to a nursing home. (Evidently he had a different take on the years Gram Green lived with us as well…) The last few years of his life required a high degree of caregiving; most of which fell to my little sister who moved in to care for him when she still had teenagers at home (at first) and was working full time. My brothers and I were also still working and had kids in high school or college – my oldest brother was/is raising two grandsons. While I know my sister cherishes the time she had with Dad and we all tried our best to relieve the pressure by helping out, the truth is, those years were really hard for my sister. Statistics show that the child closest in proximity to the aging parent is most likely the one who will bear the lion’s share of the care of that parent and that was true in our family’s case. It was a sacrifice on many fronts for my sister and I don’t know if we could ever thank her enough for those sacrifices.
We don’t really want to face our own mortality. When my Mom died, my Dad was a “young” 84 year old. He was strong and healthy, but he was extremely lonely. He and Mom had been married 63 years and none of us realized how much they depended on each other. Dad was lonely, but stubborn. I think in the early years after my sister and her kids moved in with him, he thought he was helping her as much as she was helping him, and there is probably some truth in that. But, as Dad aged and his memory began to slip things got exponentially harder. If he had known the kind of care he ultimately required, I know he would not have been so insistent on staying in his own home. Unfortunately, by the time Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it was too late for him to make voluntary decisions about his care. None of us kids wanted to see him in a nursing home and so we made the best of those last few years, but it would have been so much easier if we had had an advance plan that we knew he had approved for those last five to ten years.
Dad has been gone for a few years now, but the memory of those last few years is still fresh; the sweet times, like when he held his great-grandchildren in his arms, and the not so sweet times that illness and dementia produced.
No doubt about it, many of us will face or have faced the “sandwich” years. In fact, as I’ve been writing this, it has occurred to me that my own kids might be in this situation in just a few years. David is 69 and I’m 62. Our oldest grandchild is 11 and the youngest (so far) is just 6 months. Do the math. Yikes!
It’s important to make a plan, to have that hard conversation about the future – with our parents and with our own kids. (More on this in an upcoming blog.) It’s important to honor our parents, but it is also important to have a plan for self-care so that we don’t lose our own health and sanity during those years.
Have you had a conversation with your parents about their elder care?
Have you had a conversation with your kids about your own later years?
No time like the present!
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Psalm 143:8
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. Proverbs 15:22
Autumn Gospel 