The Incomparable Value of Friendship

People give me a bad time about the number of “friends” I have on Facebook. OK, we all know that in Facebook world, “friend” can have a different meaning than it does IRL. (In Real Life)  My IRL friends list is significantly smaller than my Facebook list – or maybe I should say it is different. One of the blessings of living in a small town for most of my life is that I do have a lot of IRL friends. Many of those Facebook “friends” are really more acquaintances, or associations than true friends. However, I have to say, some of my Facebook friends have become very dear to me, though we have never met in person. IRL friends come first, but I try not to discount the Facebook “friend” thing too much.

I love people and love to make new friends and deepen old friendships. Maybe you remember (if you’re old like me) the grade school song,

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.”

Friends old and new are priceless treasures and the time and space to spend quantity and quality time with friends is one of the best parts of growing older. I had to laugh at a recently retired couple when the wife remarked, “He’s always going to lunch, or golfing with his friends these days. I didn’t even know he HAD friends!” When you’re working 40+ hours a week, it’s hard to dedicate much time to friendships.

Floating the Kettle River with two of my dearest, long-time friends. Girlfriend get-a-ways are a priority for me!

True friends are often the ones who have been with you for the long haul. I’m blessed to have a circle of friends that have been a huge part of my life for 30+ years. We’ve laughed (a LOT), and cried (more than a few times) and we have a storehouse of memories of all our adventures together. We’ve had misunderstandings and offenses, we’ve disagreed and asked for and received forgiveness. I have counted on these friends to hold my confidences, tell me when I’m being a baby or a jerk and love me at my best and my worst. I am thankful.

When I think of true friendship, I can’t help but think of the men and women who were in the circle of friends my parents shared. Watching these friendships gave me not only an appreciation for the value of friendship, but a front row seat on how to do it well. Most of those dear friends are having a grand time in heaven right now, but I love getting to hug and talk to the few (fewer every day it seems) who remain. Each time I get to be with one of them, we share treasured memories of picnics and after church “fellowship.” We talk of baby showers and birthday parties and weddings and graduations. We hold the departed friends in sacred memory and are thankful for the years and memories that hold us together.

Loneliness and social isolation can be a major factor in the deterioration of physical and mental health as we age. Although I believe friendship in marriage is important – my hubby/friend and I are having a blast on our retirement adventures – the sad statistic is that one of us will probably go on to our reward before the other. It’s important to keep cultivating healthy friendships outside the marriage relationship, too. Friendship is always valuable and always important, but maybe even more so as we age.

“In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t terribly well appreciated,” said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. “There is just scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship. It baffles me. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.”

So make new friends, treasure old friends, and work at cultivating true friendship, in real life. You’ll be happier and healthier. And who knows? You may even live longer!

The seeds of good deeds become a tree of life;
    a wise person wins friends. Proverbs 11:30

A friend is always loyal,
    and a brother is born to help in time of need. Proverbs 17:17

The heartfelt counsel of a friend
    is as sweet as perfume and incense. Proverbs 27:9

 

 

The Baton

 

Last week, I attended our church’s annual conference for its ministers. It’s one of my favorite events of the year. I always come away inspired and challenged and thankful to be part of the Assemblies of God ministerial family. Conference really is like a family reunion – a family that I’ve chosen and so glad I did.

This year;s conference was especially meaningful. Two things aligned that have made me particularly thankful for the faithfulness of God in my life.

Annual Conference includes inspiring worship services and challenging messages, relevant workshops for church leaders, and a business meeting – elections, by-laws revisions, reports and such. But two of my favorite parts of Conference happen on the last day.

Each year on the last day of Conference there is a memorial service to honor the ministers and their spouses who have passed on during the previous year. There are pictures and brief histories and tributes to the men and women who have given their lives in service to Christ and his church. This year, two of the Pastors from my home church were honored in this service; Pastor Robert Beckman who was my pastor when I was a little girl, and Pastor Don Brown who led our church when I was a young wife and mom and who eventually hired me as worship pastor and encouraged me to work towards ministerial credentials.

Pastor Brown became the pastor of Bethel Church (the church I’ve been a member of my whole life) in the summer of 1976. David and I had been married just two years and were expecting our first child. Pastor Brown and his dear wife Glenda pastored Bethel Church for the next 14 years. Pastor Brown dedicated each of our four children and baptized the two oldest. He was a man of great vision, passion and energy. He became a mentor and friend and had a profound impact in the life of our family during some very formative years.

The other favorite part of Annual Conference for me is the Ordination service. Ordination is the public affirmation of the call of God on the life of a minister. Ministers must be licensed and actively involved in ministry for at least two years prior to ordination. It is a service that is both solemn and celebratory. This year our youngest son was ordained.

Proud parents (and grandparents!) at Nathanael’s ordination.

I don’t think it was a coincidence that the memory of Pastor Don Brown’s life and ministry was celebrated on the same day that Nathanael was ordained, or that Nathanael is now an associate pastor at the church – the church where he was nurtured in the faith as a child – that Pastor Brown led with such vision and passion.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I can’t think of a better village to help raise children than a healthy, vibrant, community-minded, gospel-centered church. I’m thankful for my church; for faithful pastors, Sunday School teachers, children and youth pastors, camp counselors and a great big wonderful spiritual family who affirmed, corrected, led and loved my kids alongside their Dad and me. Don Brown was one of those important people who faithfully ran his race and has passed the baton on to the next generation. We should be mindful that one day we will do the same.

Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.
2 Timothy 4:2

As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. the time of my death is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.
2 Timothy 4:6-7

 

Move It!

In January of 2017 I made the decision to get my body back under control. My weight had ballooned past my highest pregnancy weight by at least 15 pounds. My joints hurt, my feet hurt, I was tired, I hated the way I looked, I was uncomfortable in my too-tight pants but too proud to go up another size…or two. I wanted to  play and run with my grandkids, I knew we were looking at retirement and the thought of David (my husband of 43 years) going off on hikes while I sat in our trailer or some coffee shop was not appealing to me.

I’ve never been an athletic person. I tried running. Hated it. (I never achieved anything close to a “runner’s high.”) I did join a gym and went to a Rep Reebok class faithfully for a couple of years, and when I moved to Longview, I joined Planet Fitness. But gradually,  getting up and getting dressed and driving to the gym gave way to sleeping in or being too tired after work, or some other excuse. I wasn’t going to the gym and I’m just too cheap to pay the membership for nothing – even if it was only $10 a month.

The weight loss program I chose was mostly about retraining my brain and my habits related to food and did not include exercise. In fact, the program discouraged strenuous exercise at first because of the reduced calorie intake required by the program. I was OK with that because I didn’t feel like doing anything anyway.

As the weight came off, my energy gradually returned and I tried a few different activities to start regaining some strength. One of the side affects of being overweight and inactive for the last few years was a significant loss of muscle tone and what was left after the weight came off was, let’s just say, less than attractive flabby skin. It was like I woke up one day in my Grandmother’s skin. Eew. I knew I had to do something.

I can’t count the number of exercise videos and DVDs I’ve purchased over the years. I just can’t stick with them for any length of time. I did try one that was recommended by a friend, and I liked the exercises, but the way the instructor talked all the way through it drove me crazy. During the summer months I swam and walked as much as I could. It was gratifying to be able to walk without being out of breath and to feel some strength returning.

But then the weather changed. And Halloween. And Thanksgiving. And Christmas. By the time we left for our trip in January, I was up about eight pounds and feeling really disgusted with myself. I went back to my eating program and when David wanted to go for a walk or a hike, I went, too. Rain or shine. To my relief, the weight came back off.

Then we went to Disneyland for a couple of days.  Even though I wore good shoes, by the end of the first day, my right hip was hurting. By the end of the second day it was killing me. We did do a lot of walking, and I don’t know for sure what caused the pain – maybe it was walking on asphalt – but I knew I had to do something or I was going to be limited to short walks or no walks for the rest of the trip. Not good.

I started researching exercises for hip pain. (Pinterest is a veritable wealth of resources.) I found several sites with stretching and strengthening exercises for hip pain. Among them were some yoga moves. I did a little research and found that yoga is wonderful for older adults (I’m coming to terms with that description…) to help gain strength, balance and flexibility.

Since February I’ve been turning on Pandora to my Classical Relaxation, Keith & Kristyn Getty, or Sara Groves stations and doing stretches at least 3 times a week. I don’t “empty my mind” or chant , but I do pray and breathe and thank God for a body that will move and recover and let me do the things I was made to do.

I began to notice that on the days I did 30 minutes of stretching before we took one of our hikes, I was able to walk without pain. If I didn’t – I felt it almost immediately. That pretty well convinced me that the yoga stretches and positions were working! Since then I feel stronger and I think my posture is even better!

And hiking. My husband has always loved hiking and I think I finally understand him better. I may have even experienced the “high” from exercise that I’ve heard about all my life. In the last few months I’ve hiked further and more strenuously that I ever thought I could. And – I LOVED it! I can’t wait for the weather to cooperate so we can explore all the trails here in the Pacific Northwest. I might even be tempted to go on a short backpacking trip. I said might…

So here’s my challenge to you — MOVE! Do something. Add a few steps to your day. Make some small changes to your diet – or some big ones. The average life expectancy for a woman in her mid 60s is 86.5 years old. That’s just the average! I’ve got a lot of living yet to do! So do you!

Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit. 3 John 1:2 NLT

So now, may the God of peace make you His own completely and set you apart from the rest. May your spirit, soul, and body be preserved, kept intact and wholly free from any sort of blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus the Anointed. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 VOICE

 

 

Sandwiched

Gray hair is a crown of glory. Proverbs 16:31

Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

In 1981, social worker Dorothy Miller coined the term, the “Sandwich Generation” to describe women in their 30s and 40s who were still raising children while caring for aging parents. Since then the term has expanded to include both genders, and the age of the “sandwiched” generation has extended to women (and men) well into their 50s and sometimes beyond.

My Grandma Green – my only living grandparent – lived with us most of my childhood until her death in 1970. In my memory, that was the best thing ever for several reasons: I loved her, she was my ally, we had lots of visits from Aunts, Uncles and cousins, and she made the best pies, cakes, cookies, and cinnamon rolls on the planet. Later, the only comment my Mom had for those years was something like, “DO NOT take me into your home when I get old. Put me in a nursing home!” Evidently Mom’s perspective on having Grandma living with us was different than mine.

My Mom didn’t live long enough for us to have to “care” for her much. Mom was just a few weeks shy of her 79th birthday when she died, and she and Dad pretty much took care of each other without a lot of help from us.

My Dad on the other hand lived to see 93 and was dead-set on living in his own home. He was adamant about NOT going to a nursing home. (Evidently he had a different take on the years Gram Green lived with us as well…) The last few years of his life required a high degree of caregiving; most of which fell to my little sister who moved in to care for him when she still had teenagers at home (at first) and was working full time. My brothers and I were also still working and had kids in high school or college – my oldest brother was/is raising two grandsons. While I know my sister cherishes the time she had with Dad and we all tried our best to relieve the pressure by helping out, the truth is, those years were really hard for my sister. Statistics show that the child closest in proximity to the aging parent is most likely the one who will bear the lion’s share of the care of that parent and that was true in our family’s case. It was a sacrifice on many fronts for my sister and I don’t know if we could ever thank her enough for those sacrifices.

We don’t really want to face our own mortality. When my Mom died, my Dad was a “young” 84 year old. He was strong and healthy, but he was extremely lonely. He and Mom had been married 63 years and none of us realized how much they depended on each other. Dad was lonely, but stubborn. I think in the early years after my sister and her kids moved in with him, he thought he was helping her as much as she was helping him, and there is probably some truth in that. But, as Dad aged and his memory began to slip things got exponentially harder. If he had known the kind of care he ultimately required, I know he would not have been so insistent on staying in his own home. Unfortunately, by the time Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it was too late for him to make voluntary decisions about his care. None of us kids wanted to see him in a nursing home and so we made the best of those last few years, but it would have been so much easier if we had had an advance plan that we knew he had approved for those last five to ten years.

Dad has been gone for a few years now, but the memory of those last few years is still fresh; the sweet times, like when he held his great-grandchildren in his arms, and the not so sweet times that illness and dementia produced.

No doubt about it, many of us will face or have faced the “sandwich” years. In fact, as I’ve been writing this, it has occurred to me that my own kids might be in this situation in just a few years. David is 69 and I’m 62. Our oldest grandchild is 11 and the youngest (so far) is just 6 months. Do the math. Yikes!

It’s important to make a plan, to have that hard conversation about the future – with our parents and with our own kids. (More on this in an upcoming blog.) It’s important to honor our parents, but it is also important to have a plan for self-care so that we don’t lose our own health and sanity during those years.

Have you had a conversation with your parents about their elder care?

Have you had a conversation with your kids about your own later years?

No time like the present!

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Psalm 143:8

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. Proverbs 15:22

 

 

 

 

A New Name, A New Focus

I did a little crowd sourcing this past week and received the confirmation I needed to begin a new blog focusing on women in the second half of life. After several hours of brainstorming and some good input from friends, I landed on the title “Autumn Gospel.” Some of the other ideas I received will be useful for future posts, (so thank you for your wonderful input!)  but I love the feel and the focus of these two words together and I think they accurately represent my goal for this blog. I even bought the domain name. Not sure what I’m going to do with it, but it’s mine! AutumnGospel.com

Autumn: A season of harvesting good things, of vibrant color, of change, of maturity.

Gospel: Good news! Glad tidings! Truth.

Many of the issues facing women today are universal and not specific to a particular age or season of life. However, there are some unique challenges that women in their 50s and 60s (and beyond) face.

While most of us are empty-nesters,  I have friends who still have children in high school or college, or are home again after college. I have friends who are raising grandchildren. Many of my friends have aging parents that need their help to one degree or another. Some of my friends are dealing with the grief that follows the death of one or both of their parents or their spouse. We have grown “children” and sometimes knowing how to be a parent to grownups is a challenge. We want to be intentional about grand-parenting.

We want to be healthy and active and we care about our weight, and our physical fitness and strength, and we still care about fashion (we don’t want to look and dress like 20 year-olds, but please – not like “old ladies” either!) Do we dye our hair, or go natural?

After years of raising families and working full or part-time jobs, many of us find ourselves wondering how to live with purpose in these years when we feel we still have so much to give. We definitely don’t want to be put on the shelf, or “put out to pasture!” At the same time, this may also be a time when life slows down enough for the “cracks” in our souls to show up. Guilt, shame, unforgiveness, and unfulfilled hopes and dreams can cause depression and hopelessness over the future.

We also care deeply about our spiritual health. We want to continue to grow and mature in our faith. We want to be available to mentor and coach a younger generation.

This is a complex season and I hope this will be a place to process and gain insight in how to live this part of life with joy and hope. I want to embrace and enjoy these beautiful autumn years

So, welcome to my updated and re-focused blog. I welcome your comments and would love to hear subjects that you would like to discuss. I would love to interview some of you and hear your stories.

Welcome to the Autumn Gospel. There is so much good news and beauty to share!